Wednesday, December 31, 2008

coyote eggs

well, this is my last entry of the year. it is weird for me to think that i have been here for a year and it still feels new. i guess that can be good and bad. oh well.

i had a dream last night. it was about me being in an awesome band that i really enjoyed, but for some reason, it still kind of sucked. i found out that it was because there was a giant native american guy that scared all of my bandmates. it scared me that they were all scared of him. i tried to get them to fight back, but they were all to intimidated by him. i was later driving on the freeway with someone in my band and this indian dude was chasing us. he was in an old blue pickup. i tried to lose him by taking an off ramp really fast, and he fell for it, but then backed up on the freeway and took the same off ramp. after almost running me off the freeway, i got super pissed and stopped the car.

my passenger was really scared and i think he wet his pants. i am also pretty sure we were in arizona, but i've never been there before so i guess it was my perception of arizona. well we got out of the car and so did he. i punched him right in the face and knocked him out. i dragged him to the back of his pick up truck and put him in the bed. my band guy was excited now and we put the indian guy on the bed, with his head hanging over the tailgate. the indian guy was starting to wake up, so i had my accomplice hold his arms and legs while i stepped on his face until his head came off and fell on the street.

so waking up was interesting.

not fail

Thursday, December 25, 2008


i got your voicemail, wolfgang. thanks.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Monday, December 22, 2008

ok whatever

it is still snowing.

and we got a puppy at home.

that's about it.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


i have been thinking about you much more than i should be. and i haven't made any progress on our pact.

snowflake city

yeah, i'm still awake. s is banupnups around here. there is snow everywhere! especially where it doesn't belong, like roads and in my face. every dog i have seen though, loves playing in the snow. i think that having a tail and playing in snow is a pretty good combination most of the time. being snowed in is kind of weird. it gives me a slight glimpse of what the kids who i used to work with have to go through. not having freedom to go where you want isn't cool. i don't like it.

you know what is cool though? the movie "let the right one in". it is a swedish cinema. i didn't think swedes really did anything but i guess someone there made a movie. real hard. it is about a vampire kid, but not garbage like twilight probably is. this kid is brutal and loves to drink bloods. maybe i'll try to see it again tomorrow. or i'll get wasted. that bum on the bus who was drinking orange listerine had the right idea. well kind of. he didn't have the right idea when he was yelling about how he is an animal who pisses when his face was like three feet from my face. i didn't like that idea.

a question. is there ever an appropriate time or place to eat corn nuts?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

chaos is fair

did you know it?

Monday, December 15, 2008

it's so cold in the d

i woke up this morning to some people outside yelling "he's bleeding!" "oh my god!" and "we need to get him to the hospital!". i jumped out of bed to see what was going on and saw a couple carrying a little one into their house. they were followed by two other little ones. i hope everything is ok.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


today was the second time in my life seeing snow fall. it is awesome. i want a house with huge windows in my bedroom so that i could watch the snow fall from my bed. being in snow isn't super fun, though. it was my first time driving in it and i saw five accidents and a lady ran her car into mine at an intersection. her car was sliding and it was happening very slowly. i knew i was going to get hit and i just slightly braced myself. my driver side door is kind of f'd up now.

i hung out with wolfgang and her friend chloe last night. we had fun i think. i have found that i don't question myself as much as i used to. maybe i should more. regardless, it was good times with good people.

(12/19 edit: "talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself." -friedrich nietzsche)

Friday, December 12, 2008


this guy is totally my doppelganger. maybe one person in the world will get it. and she doesn't read this.

with all due respect...

this month is one of experiences. i had to say goodbye to coworkers and it was sad. i still read my old works' emails to see how things are going while i am at my new job. but my new job is pretty cool. i get to organize visits and have a few kids that i work with one on one. i also get a work phone. i'm such an f'n pro now.

being a pro kind of sucks a little though. i have to get up much earlier now and i get home at like seven. it's weird. i have gone like six years without really eating breakfast and i am not used to eating it. also, getting sleepy at six o' clock is outrageous.

i went to the festival of lights the other night. basically it is a little grove that is dipped in christmas. a bunch of the trees have lights and there are cool light figures. a bad part about this is that it is run by christians. they rep real hard. i was shadowing a visit and it was me, a co-worker, and their kid who really likes me i hear.

now while i don't mean to get on a digital soapbox, but i guess this is the place to do it. i think a funny thing about most religions is that they exploit natural human kindness. i was nice to everyone i met, even though i didn't want to be a lot of the time. a christian might say that i was acting very christian but i thought i was acting very bryan.

we went to see the chorus singers and they were in a church. when i was walking in an elderly lady told me to take off my hat. i begrudginly did, but before we entered, the client said that he didn't want to go in. he was kind of standing in the way of the entrance and a
little slow to move. the girl on the other side of the glass door said "you could get out of the way" and shortly laughed. i had unchristian thoughts. my first plan was to punch through the glass door, grab her head, and rub her neck along the shards. a millisecond later i caught myself and figured that this plan wasn't a great life choice. instead, i asked my little buddy to follow me out of the way.

the experience really made me think about how judeo-christian believers might think about the kids i work with. i mean sure, i'm going to hell because i don't believe in magic carpenters, but what the s are they doing to make things better? ringing bells outside safeway? i think about the kids that were raped when they were two, witnesses to incredible acts of violence, beaten, burned, disfigured, born with incurable diseases, molested, and mentally unstable. no omnipitent presence intervened. and none will ever erase their pasts. they have more right to question a god than i do. but what did my little friend do? he told me the story of christmas and jesus' birth. belief systems are very dangerous because they tackle both of the most important life motivators: fear and faith.

this is one of my many new friends..................hamilton!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

don't worry, i love pizza

me last night: "what is this? a wine?" chug.

Friday, December 5, 2008

winter is hard

i wish i was a grizzly bear
i'd sleep through winter without a care.
curled up in a little cave,
there are no bees or traps.
in my warm and hidden cave
there are only dreams and naps.
cubs can use me as a bed
as long as none fall on my head.
i ate a lot of berries and food
for a seasonal sleep,
to keep me from you.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


oh look! i just got home from california. i forgot about rain while i was there. i like rain though. airports are so interesting. almost everyone has to fly sometime, even monks.

i was going to write about a funny situation that happened last month at work, but haven't found the time. i guess i could now. sadly, i wasn't there, so this might not be very accurate. but why would you care? because you think i'm a liar? well i'm not and you should be glad i'm not. i would be so good at lying if i did. i would convince you that i have a tribe of
supermodels carry me everywhere i go, mainly because i'm not attracted to them. i would let them carry me to build shoulder strength. while being carried i would do as many good deeds as i could like helping old ladies across the street, pointing at cats, not sneezing too loud, and putting cilantro on peoples' meals for free.

so wolfgang, bumble (she likes honey alcohol. a lot.), and i were hanging out in the lobby after a fourteen hour day of work. we heard screaming and reckless bumping around in the hallway behind the locked door. kernal looked through a window and saw that one of our more confused clients was naked and running around in the hallway. the three of them went to resolve the situation and i didn't have to because i am a man. when she was safely secured, i went on to the unit that she so abruptly left to see the aftermath. i found one sock, an open bag of popcorn strewn about, a hannah montana water bottle, and a tiny bit of vomit. i laughed while i tried to reverse engineer the situation.

i left after that. later at our slumber party, wolfgang and bumble took me on a journey of wonder, anger, and pure inspiration with their story of what happened after i left. editor's note: the tubby little girl who was the star of this life movie has chromosomal defects similar to downs syndrome. she has the physical characteristics that suggest this i.e. eyes far apart, cleft lip. when in public or at school, she is required to wear a harness that has a hot air balloon patch on it. there was a time in which she wore a helmet in addition to said harness. editor thinks this is adorable.

this is a dramatization since i wasn't there. so i guess the little one now known as perrywinkle finally calmed down and put on her moo moo/night gown. since she hadn't bathed in like a day, staff (k,w,and b) decided to encourage a bath which she surprisingly went for. while in the bathroom, she said that she wanted to turn off the lights. kernal told her that if she turned off the lights, that staff would have to be in the bathroom with her instead of right outside the propped open door. she agreed so i think tw
o staff stayed in there, in the dark, with a rotund little monster in the tub. after a few minutes of eerie silence, someone decided to turn on the lights to see what was actually going on.

when the lights came on, perrywinkle was in slow bite mode, just inches away from staff's arm. she was out of the tub and i think i heard that she urinated on the ground as well. after that i think she was in another naked restraint and that's where i stopped listening. i guess it took a long time to get her to bed because we started our drunk slumber party at like three in the morning.

oh..job. i got a new one actually. it's with the same company, but i won't be working in the lock down place anymore which is bittersweet.

are there any good guitarists in portland?

here is a picture of me that i like because it kind of looks like i have a mustache.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

spooky style

i'm not lazy! i haven't really had access to a computer so i have not been able to write the ridiculous stuff that has been going on. um. to hold you over if you actually care is this guy.

Monday, November 17, 2008

where i been

filthy mirrors.

Friday, November 14, 2008

for now..we toast

we witnessed a pathetic crime last night. kernal, wolfgang, and a few coworkers and i went to f'in shari's last night. if you've never been to one, good for you. anyways, we were all sharing stories and eating what i guess was food. there was a group of really cool teens across from us and they were being really funny by yelling and making a bunch of noise because they felt like it. some would go outside to smoke cigarettes, so you better not have a problem with it. they smoked cigarettes because they could, and you can't do anything about it, so don't even try to stop them from smoking cigarettes.

anyway, while we were all talking, i just heard a lot of movement and saw someone's long hair dissapearing around the corner to the exit. we all looked at eachother and realized that they didn't pay their bill. wolfgang went to tell the manager and kernal and i went searching for acne's 11.

one of the kids left their jacket on a chair. we walked around and didn't see anyone running, so we circled the building. the manager was with us and we noticed a nerd in the bushes behind the building. i knew that it was one of the kids and probably the one who left his jacket. he was going to use high tech thief tools to infiltrate shari's and retrieve his jacket, and no one would have ever known. the waitress came out to identify him and tried to make him feel bad by reminding him that it was an 84 dollar bill and that the economy sucks. he said he didn't know what happened and didn't know where his friends were. he really looked retarded and kernal, in her professional and just kind human manner felt bad for him thinking that his friends left him behind. i, like a jerk, thought he was lying and just coming back for his jacket.

he was outside and surrounded by everyone when kernal decided to call the cops. he threatened that he was going to "settle" the situation and i wanted to see what that meant. i grabbed his jacket from inside and brought it to the manager. the kid grabbed it from me and i wanted to punch him but didn't really have a reason so i didn't. i thought i made a huge mistake by bringing his jacket back, but in retrospect it was probably a good idea.

once he got his jacket, he just started walking away instead of waiting for the cops. we all followed him and one of his friends came out of the winco next door and looked really cool because he was smoking a cigarette. they walked together for a few seconds and i told wolfgang who was next to me that she should be ready to run. the two just started running and wolfgang and i ran after them. the manager told me not to chase them, but i wasn't really chasing them for him. kernal stayed behind because the manager had her phone and she said it would be better if she wasn't around to witness what might have gone on.

so i chased the two around a corner and was really hoping that all of the teenagers were waiting for me around the bend. it could have been my moment! they were waiting around the corner, but in a truck. two girls screamed and the guys hopped in the back of the truck. i memorized their license plate and watched them leave. i went back and told the manager the license plate and car model while he told the police. in return, we all got a card for a free slice of pie. that pie will remind me of failure.

it's my professional opinion that i need to keep my angry bees (rage) in check. i have always done really well in that department, but these last few weeks have been trying. every time my angry bees get riled up in my tummy and adrenaline starts flowing, my bees say "go for it!" my brain turns into a stoned loser that responds with "wait, what man?" and then giggles. come on brain, we can do it! put down those funyuns and let's outsmart those bees next time.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

rumble in the bronx

today i went to the gas station and made a friend. i don't think i am his friend, but he is mine. he was this old japanese guy who wore a beanie and gloves. my car was behind him in line to get fuel. it is one of those gas stations where you have to wait in the store thing to pay when your pump is done. the tiny japanese guy looked at me and i looked back at him and gave him a smile. he gave me what i would describe as a turtle smile back. he just seemed curious and delightful. he looked behind himself and saw a little bag of doritos. the collisions kind that has two flavors. my friend was trying to figure out how he would open the bag. it was such a brave new world for him.

his pump finished and he went to pay for his gas. he gave the lady a hundred dollar bill and held on to his bag of chips. the lady grabbed for his chips so she could scan them. the release of his grip was very reluctant. he really liked his collisions.

i paid shortly after and when i got to my car, my friend was leaving. he was in front of me and tried to take a turn a little too wide. the guy behind me tried to get in front of me to take my friend's spot when he left. this dweeb got angry and started honking at my friend. i guess he couldn't wait the twelve seconds it was going to take me to move my car. my friend left and the usurper took his spot and got out of his car. i gave him a bad look. i basically murdered him with my face.

my new friend kind of showed me an adorable side of being old. maybe being old is not all that bad. just mostly. i think it's funny that this little guy will never know who i am and i think he is my friend. am i insane?
__yes __no __maybe

Saturday, November 8, 2008

ya'll are brutalizin me

i almost forgot!* i watched a ridiculous segment of cops a few weeks ago. it really stuck with me. a man was being questioned by a cop and was asked what was in his hand. he slowly opened his hand to reveal crack. he was put in handcuffs and sat down. he asked the cop why he was picking on him and said that this was entrapment. the cop responded thusly: "well i saw a bunch of people huddled around each other and i turned on my lights. you ran the opposite direction, and when i caught up to you, you handed me drugs." oh explanations.

*write an essay and discuss how one cannot almost forget. due on my desk wednesday. times new roman, none of that courier new witchcraft. and sorry girls and boys, no "extra credit" opportunities.

ice cream, boners, and angel dust

oh wow. i was drunk last night. before i got blasted, i went to a movie with nicole. during a really quiet part, some girl was talking to the dude she came to the theater with. not like whispering, talking normally like an idiot would do. it was disruptive. anyway, i figured she would eventually realize that she wasn't clever in her tone of voice, and she stopped talking. about a half an hour later, she gets up and starts asking everybody questions during the movie. she would walk up to you and just start talking. she had a spiky, kurt russell style haircut and a rat tail/mullet that went really far down her back. her hair was also bright orange.

this cheeky b didn't talk to me or nicole which was a relief because she seriously talked to everyone else in the theater. also it was a relief because i was weighing the moral decisions of having to fight a woman because she was getting confrontational with some people. from what i could hear, she was asking people if they were ok with her standing with the exit door open so she could smoke and watch the movie at the same time. it took me a little while after this event to process what must have justified her being in this position and asking this question.

one of the dudes she asked told her to get away and not talk to him. she went back to sit down just to stare and point at him. he got up and i assumed he went to get security. she lit a match and a cigarette. she then threw the lit match on the carpet. she turned around and said "if anybody has a problem with this, stand up now". she had really good timing because right after she said that, five dudes, the manager, and a security guard surrounded her and told her that she had to leave. she was too scared to throw a fit and was escorted out.

nicole and i got our money back and a free movie. the manager was a cool dude. so that was a weird like 45 minutes.

we went back to her place to get crunk and listen to shitty music from the internet. on the way back, we discussed the most ridiculous drug combinations. we agreed on ice cream, angel dust, and viagra. i imagined finding someone on those things as a police officer and decided what i would do. seeing someone with a b and j's ice cream cone, fluttering their fingers in front of their eyes with a full on boner at a gas station would result in me putting my arms akimbo, and shaking my head with a tiny smile. i would say that guy is living life the best way he knows how. i would then listen to "i will always love you" by whitney houston and later yell at minorities.

i drank until my nose and legs felt numb, got a little sad, got poked in the eye with two fingers at once, and had a "where the s am i?" moment. it was good night.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

grape job!

ohhhhhhhhhhhh s! we just switched the way we get food at my work. now we have copius amounts of neat consumables. it is almost like someone told the people that deliver that i work there because the grape juice now is amazing. we used to have cartons that were great enough, but now we have tiny ones that you can finish in a sip! you could even freeze them! i think they should replace bricks. you could build houses made of anti-oxidants. damn girl, these new juices are fresh! i drank seven today! (don't tell anyone). sleep tight diary!

Monday, November 3, 2008


that's the new word for bananas. pass it on. i also like banubnubs and it was a hard decision to make. maybe you should try them out in different situations and see what works the best. maybe i could make it into another word that isn't even close to a banana. i think banubnub would be good as a word that someone would yell. like help, eye wash station, or rabid koalas. you make the call.

i have decided to maybe stop using categories of things to describe the kids. there just aren't enough unique kids that usually would deserve them. but i'll figure something out.

here's a story. pez took two clients, a little boy and little-ish girl, to play ping pong. i don't know the entire story, but i imagine it went something like this. pez was talking to the boy during a brief intermission and realized that the ping pong ball was gone. she asked the girl if she knew where it was. the girl reached into her pants and, presumably, pulled the ball out of her vagina and threw it to pez. she told her "you might not want to touch that" right after pez caught it. ew!

a funny game i have been playing lately is imagining everyone i meet as being babies. you meet a dude with a beard and imagine him being much tinier, but still with a beard and like glasses that they might be wearing. so not like a realistic version of a baby. just a littler version of themselves, just less coordinated and not mentally capable for anything. you can play the other way around and imagine young kids being older. it's more sad though.

i leave you with these words of wisdom. "hush girl, shut your lips. do the helen keller, and talk with your hips."

Sunday, November 2, 2008

shut up, it's halloween

well not anymore. but i've been occupied. i went to a supposedly haunted house on halloween night. not one with high school drop outs dressed as zombies. a real one.

keeping it old school (early 1900's). while many were listening to pomp and circumstance no 4 in g, symphony no. 1 in a flat, others were committing dastardly crimes like being pregnant and not married. those heretics came to the future haunted house i went to. they would work together and live there in chubby exile.

many babies were born there but a lot also died. there is a furnace thing outside where the bodies were cremated. there were probably some issues resulting in mommies dying. also i think a nurse killed herself there. brutal.

i went there with kernal, pez, wolfgang, and wolfgang's boyfriend. we walked around and kept an eye out for specters. i really wanted to fight a ghost. but not a baby ghost. we went to an attic like area where the babies slept in their cribs side by side. the old wallpaper was still on the walls. i found a book about me there!

during our ghost safari, we stumbled upon a tiny door in the attic. it was really tiny and nailed shut. kernal "persuaded" it open and we decided to go in. my phat ass barely fit through.

the first thing we saw inside was a baby and mom's clothes! old ones.

baby shirt.

baby knickers.

mom dress.

a name maybe?

mom shoe.

there was also a really old bra in there too. kernal, pez, and i searched around in there and found really old cigarette cartons, matches, an old bowl and the scariest of all.

we don't really know what it is. the cloth was tied very tightly around the stick. my guess is that it was a bite stick for someone in pain.

isn't it kind of suspect? eeeeeeeeeeeeee! a mystery.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


while i still think knives are more intimate, guns are pretty awesome to shoot. i just learned this. i shot some targets very hard.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

t.i. tip harris

we need to talk. it's been too long girl. my outlook on life has changed significantly. i have decided that while shooting yourself in the face can be appealing, you can still have control of your mortality and die in much funnier or more brutal ways. so i enjoy life much more now. there's a lot more to that, but that's all you get internet!

'member that kid i told you about who i really like who tried to trap me? yeah i didn't think so, but he returned anyway. he will forever be known as tabby. he came back thinking the place would be a juice party, but we made sure to not let that happen and be as boring as possible so he would want to leave. tabby told me last night that he might come back again but i reiterated to him, as i'm sure kernal did, that he shouldn't and doesn't need to.

my music building has been progressing, or to be more accurate, regressing quite nicely. i have realized that some of the things i write or program are very involved. editing is difficult, but important. if you are a perfectionist it is very hard. i have also learned how to be disappointed when i don't work on music or do anything productive for a day. motivation rules. i think i'm going to buy one house soon.

i also have a new friend! wolfgang and i hang out a lot. we try to get more people to chill wit'us but no one really does. it's cool though, we can talk about whatever the b we want.

i hate aids! it reminds me that i need to get my tattoo of an ****** s******* a *****y. a puzzle!

i bought alcohol for the first time in my life and it was sad. it was a total big moment. i felt like a kid in a grown man's body. i got confused when they asked for my identification and i probably had that look on my face that i was trying to look like i knew what i was doing, but everyone including me knew that i didn't.

cats need to get their priorities straight. i don't trust them one bit. if you see one, point at it until it goes away. that's what i do.

catch ya later!

a tattoo i was given after an inappropriate amount of jameson fine irish whiskey. (not whiskrey like i previously wrote). it's scary so if you're little, don't look.

Friday, October 17, 2008


we had a tough guy. he left today.

"the only time i ever had to break anyone's neck was when i was getting shot at"

"when i get in fights, i get close to my opponents by spinning"

he was also into drugs.

"yeah, my friend has a spongebob bong. it's awesome."

i'm getting better at talking with a straight face when gems like these are produced. his mom told us that he smoked weed once and that he got in big trouble.

Monday, October 13, 2008


one thing i hate about life is that sometimes it is absolutely necessary be a jerk.

Thursday, October 9, 2008


holy s! look what science did. that little dot in the corner may be capable of supporting life. it is in a solar system 500 light years from earth. it is estimated to be bigger than jupiter, and jupiter is the biggest planet in our solar system. it is statistically impossible to not think that there is life, aside from that on earth, in our entire universe. life is a broad term. i recently read the lacerta files and while i am still extremely skeptical, it shows dedication and/or imagination. or that the "interviewer" was on peyote. this planet could be a huge discovery! or not.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

girl bobbies*

our resident ducksman told us a funny story about one of our more acute, and clinically psychotic, clients. his name will now be calico.

apparently during room time, one of the staff heard calico singing along loudly to the chorus of "war" by edwin starr. staff checked in on him and told him that they liked that song. they asked if they could see his mp3 player and he was actually listening to "sweet home alabama" by lynyrd skynard. his mp3 player didn't even have "war" on it.

on a somewhat related note, i really realized the importance music plays in my life today. i was getting maintanance done on my car, and i forgot to take my cds with me because i didn't think my rental car would have a player. i forgot that it was 2008. anyways, the garage took longer than anticipated and i had to listen to the radio for a few days. i haven't listened to the radio in at least five years, and i really don't miss it. i was really sad to get in my 2007 chevy cobalt not only because of that fact, but also because i couldn't listen to my music. the minor inconveniences of not liking radio-friendly music! and i know what you're thinking alfred einsteen, but my computer isn't burning cds right now. :[ but thanks anyway!

*this title is what one of our clients typed in when he was searching for online porn at home.

Monday, October 6, 2008

she bit me

some people just don't do mornings. siamese is one of them. she isn't even five feet tall and can't weigh more than a hundred pounds. however, she has at least ten counts of assault filed against her. she has put seven of our employees in the hospital and one is still on worker's comp.

on saturday, she got frustrated and thought that punching me in the chest for no reason was a good idea. kernal put her in a one person hold and then i got her other arm so we could take her off the unit. on the way out, she bit my arm with her filthy little mouth. instead of following protocol, i said f it and tore my arm out of her bacteria cave.

me and two other employees got bit and kicked multiple times after for about 30 minutes straight. one got bit right on the knuckle. it sounded as she described "like someone eating chicken".

polices came and took siamese away in handcuffs for good. after that, all three of us had to go to hospital and i had to list my reason for being there as "human bite". i thought it sounded cool and accurate. the lazy doctor cleaned my wound and i had to get a blood draw. also, to be on the safe side, i elected to take anti-biotics. they suck. they are oval and huge. i have to take them twice a day.

here is evidence. sorry, i'm not very good at bruising, but i think it kind of looks like a profile view of a reptile man.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


puppy fan

i have been too busy to write about this earlier, but it is too funny to be omitted. our foul mouthed little client tried to attack one of his peers on friday. we had to put him in a hold and take him to another empty unit. we let him free on the other unit and he would punch staff in the genitals. it is undecided whether he does this because it matches his height or because he is an evil guy.

he found a wash cloth and took it to the sink to get it wet. once it was soaking wet, he would hit us with it. i'm glad he didn't know how to use it as a whip. i tried to play tug of war with him as a distraction when i got a hold of the wash cloth. it worked for a little bit, but he grew tired of it. after a while, the kernal and i just hung out in the office with the door locked. this upset the tiny one, so he did what anyone would do.

after he took off his sweatpants, he started climbing the office window. it was ok he still had on a shirt with a picture of a golden retriever puppy that said "man's best duck hunter". so staff and i were discussing what we were going to do while a tiny dong was at our eye level. he finally got down, but was saying that he had to go to the bathroom. i told him i could let him in. he told me to f off and stood in front of the door that i needed to use to get out. i told him that if he would let me out, i could let him in the bathroom. he swore some more and said that he would go right there. he peed all over the floor in front of the office door and then continued to walk around with his shirt on, but no pants. it was hard to take him seriously when he swore and called us a holes. eventually, he was completely naked for a while, but we got him to calm down with some clothes and gogurt. the kernal's favorite of his quotes is this one: "i want my fuckin gogurt, i want to fuckin kill myself, and i want my fuckin diet soda!" i guess the order (concerning both the request and time received) is irrelevant?

Friday, October 3, 2008


oh man these last few weeks have been crazy. everyone has been assaulted, bit, injured, or contracted some ailment.

i got a phone call yesterday from frank grimes' mom. she wants to return him. she said that he was punching her and her husband. she said he also grabbed a knife and said he was going to kill them and himself. it is really weird to hear those stories. i believe the parents, but the only problem frank ever showed us was licking his lips too much. he had a little red goatee every time i would see him and i would have to put ointment on his lips. he also liked to hide behind chairs. it was easy because he is small like a bug.

there is only one more kid who is a bit troublesome at the moment; the rest have left. he claims to be a "puppy fan" and also has the dirtiest mouth i have ever heard on a youngling. he called me a d bag m effer when i told him i would get him a game boy. it is kind of funny at this point, but i don't think the real world will see it that way.

this month is breeds of cats.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


yesterday we had grapes as part of the kids' breakfast. marge turned to me while eating them and said that she liked grapes and that they help her calm down. i told her that i love grape juice and that grapes are good for you. she agreed and turned back to watch tv. about ten seconds later, she yelled "grapes!" and held them up. i thought that was funny.

on a side note, everything in my life here is crumbling at a staggering rate.

Friday, September 26, 2008

air force fun

ahahahahahahahahaahahah! our government is so dumb. one of our clients (a nine year old girl) said that she is going to blow up our building when she gets out. she said that if we die, that's our problem. she also said that she was going to kill the president and that she would become the first kid president ever! i immediately laughed and imagined a highlander scenario. if kids are president, we'd have cocoa puffs for dinner! screaming would be the national anthem and bed wetting would be mandatory. twizzlers would also be the national currency and we'd live in bounce houses.

anyways, the funny part about this is that her doctor was legally obligated to call the fbi. we were supposed to have a secret service agent who's last name sounded like root beer come and interrogate a tiny girl. agent root beer didn't come and i was glad because it was pathetic and i didn't want my tax dollars to pay for the gas that would have got him there.

work fight

so tonight really sucked and every staff got assaulted. kids are crazy! four totally different kids entered the office tonight and two were held inside of it. that never happens! i was told that the last time it did, there was a full on riot of kids v. staff.

i got punched in the face and kicked where it counts a few times today. i think i handled it much better than i naturally would. the girl who punched me in the face has chubby knuckles, and i think that padded the blow. she hit me right in the mouth, but it doesn't hurt. i think i am also ok because i am 7/8 badass. that was the first time i had ever been punched in my life. it was kind of exciting!

words of the day: punch, restraint, blood, vomit, urine, niggle

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

wants vs. needs




Thursday, September 18, 2008

ting tang walla walla bing bang

i have a question. as i was driving down one of our cornerstones of sophistication (82nd ave), i saw a dirty grown up store. it said "erotic books, magazines, movies, lingerie, shoes." what is an erotic shoe? a sandal? nikes with weiners on the shoelaces? i'm trying to figure this out. maybe i need to go in and say "one erotic shoes please." actually, i am thinking of a lot of gross ways a shoe could be erotic. porns is big business. i should get some of these patented.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sunday, September 14, 2008

it's the tired puppy olympics

bronze (grip champion)

silver (danger taster)

gold (survival expert: utilizing fake death and camouflage skillset)


maggie is a little girl with ptsd and adhd. she is nine and adorable. maggie is very little and hyper, but also unusual. she told everyone on the unit that she was in the paper once. when asked why, she said that she found a fire. they asked what she did, and she responded: "i played in it."

a few days ago, maggie ran up to me with a paper bag on her head with two holes cut out for eyes and a tiny mouth hole. she asked if i could get her bubbles. she had some bubbles in her personal belongings. she said they tasted like cherries. i told her that cherry is my favorite flavor and opened the bubbles to smell them. they smelled how bubbles should smell. it was just soap and water. i told her that i don't think they are cherry and she grabbed them from me and took a swig. she smacked her lips, handed them back to me, then ran to her room.

yesterday, maggie woke up early and asked for her breakfast. i made it for her. her teenage peers were also awake because she had knocked on their doors and told them to wake up. they were clearly upset. while i was getting her medication ready, she started repeatedly yelling "it's not mine!" at her cereal.

later, one of her parents came to visit. she told me that she wanted to go outside in the fenced area with them and that she wanted her cherry bubbles to come too. her visitor was blowing the bubbles and maggie was trying to eat them in the air, much like a puppy. whenever she would catch one, she would yell "tasty!" she tried to climb the fence to get one of the bubbles, but i got a hold of the back of her shirt before she got far. a few minutes later, she tried again while telling an airplane overhead to "get back here!"

i think the cute ones get away with more. i also think that kernel sanders and i need to see space chimps.

Friday, September 12, 2008


a fun client we have had a few times has returned again. his name is jimbo and the last time he was at my work, he was a fun guy. he would always be rapping or dancing or some form of entertainment. he once started to tell me a story about how he learned to dance, but it turned into an hour long journey about his origins and acceptance into the world of krumping. he is a positive guy, even though the environments he is usually in prohibit that.

he came in last night in a very negative mood. he was high on hospital medication and didn't want to be there. he was refusing to leave the lobby and was threatening me and kernel sanders. we both know that he wouldn't hurt us and we weren't scared, but we were surprised. our bubbly nurse came in when he was very angry and said "hey jimbo!" to which he replied "hey!" but quickly realized that he had to be tough and said "naw, i'm not staying here, fuck that."

we got him on the unit and he has been doing alright. he got mad and went to his room. he threw his mattress and everything in there was thrown around. he came out with a pen in his hand like a knife. there were four other kids on the unit with me and normally that situation would be bad, but i know that jimbo wouldn't hurt any of us. i positioned myself between him and everyone else just in case. i got lost in thought for a moment thinking about the best way to stop him should he attack anyone. selma told me that i looked like i didn't know what to do. i told her i was clueless and she got a worried look in her face. i then told her of course i knew what i was doing.

in reality though, the situation could have gone wrong very fast. people look to you for answers in those times. jimbo could have stabbed me and the entire unit could have joined in, but i was never worried about that. he sat down and chilled till the next episode, but if it was any other kid, i would have been much more cautious and had everyone go to their rooms until everything was handled. i really like jimbo.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


tiny mr. mcclure told me this while watching alvin and the chipmunks.

"i'm like simon because he's smart...but...i'm also like theodore because i'm kind of fat."

Monday, September 8, 2008

oh good, dancing

i forgot to tell you. watch dexter. it is one of the most amazing/stressful shows i've watched in a long while. i like that it deals with the ethics of killing, or deathics as i like to call them. i identify with dexter a lot.

i love grape juice!

i say that a lot. grape juice is good for me. i have been cheating on grape juice with this delicious hybrid. i don't know if it is as good for me as grape juice, but i love it very much. i had to get it at wal mart which i hate, but i would eat a live cat to get this juice. that would probably be as far as i could go. but that's pretty far i think.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

baby tech

troy mcclure is a neat little gentlemen. he does what i wish i would do in his situation. if you're locked up all day, you can ultimately choose one of two adventures. you could whine and make it hard on everyone, or you could make the best of it and wait it out. troy is the youngest one on his unit, but acts the most mature. everyone likes him, especially staff. he aspires to be a professional inventor. yesterday he made a flagpole with a made up country's flag on it. this was probably while majula, the oldest, was screaming at staff to get her lotion or something else unimportant.

during one of his room times, he made a belt like invention that you put on your head. it was made completely out of paper and could be tightened or loosened. i tried it on. it had a cup that had the bottom cut out to go over your left eye. it kind of hurts your ears, but futuristic technology doesn't care about your comfort in it's initial stages. he said it was x-ray vision and he could see through a tree outside. when he came out of his room, he looked towards a wall and jumped back. i asked him what he was doing and he said he looked through the wall and a car outside scared him. inspirational.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


i got to hang out with one of the new kids today and she is awesome. her name is selma. she isn't mexican, but she speaks spanish fluently. two of the other kids on the unit also speak spanish. it is exciting to me because when i am around people who speak spanish, i start picking things up again and get happy to learn new words. i learned that chella means drunk (like borracho) and that pinto means paint. i learned it in the context of fingernail polish.

selma is exactly what i think of when i think of a mexican woman. she is proud and strong. she has more of a right to complain about her life than anyone, but never does. she is patient and self-aware. at her home she takes care of her entire family and on the unit, she picks up after her peers and throws away their dinners when they are done. all out of habit. she has a sad history and it enfuriates me to know that people that cool can be treated so terribly. i told her that my favorite spanish word is "little bug". you should look it up, it's silly.

i had to deal with racism today and didn't really know how to. manjula was saying racist things outside and i just told her that she had to come back to the unit if she said one more racist thing. she did and i made her come back to the unit. she knew she was in big trouble and came willingly.

oh yeah, martha quimby threw a foosball table at some kids. i just don't think she gave an f. this sentence is here to remind me to write about troy mcclure tommorow.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

if you're driving a mobile home, is it road rage or a domestic disturbance?

nothing particularly exciting happened today. i made two new friends that seem nice. their names are frank grimes and martha quimby. frank was quiet and shy when i first met him, but i gave him pokemon crystal and he likes me now i think. martha told me a long-winded story that wasn't very interesting, but i really liked that she was able to tell me. it was about her getting blamed for stealing someone's game boy at her foster home. ultimately, she has a tough life and sometimes yells at people to get her the tv remote because of it.

manjula was trying to push my buttons as usual. she always asks me why i am failing as a musician. she says it to get me mad, but i don't mind. i'm not failing. also, taking life-failure-speeches from someone who loves drugs is funny to me. i told her "how do you know i'm failing?" and she said i must be since i'm still working here. i think i fake yelled at my supervisor kernel sanders and manjula thought i was upset about what she said. she apologized. tonight was calm. i hope the next few days will be too.

Monday, September 1, 2008

i hate it

worst ice cream ever. when sentences like "oh no, what's this now" and "each bite is more disappointing than the last" are exclaimed, you know your treat is garbage. at my work, a kid called me a ripoff artist after i wouldn't give him what he wanted. i can identify how he felt. we were had by ripoff artists.

who is handsome pete

this month is simpsons.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

trip trap

the last few nights, i have been in holds with the girl who betrayed my trust earlier. she is probably the least fun to be in holds with. all of her playfulness and rage are purely behavioral. she is smart. and bad smart. she picks up ideas from her peers and tries them out on us to see how we react. during a hold last night, i had to tuck my arm under her legs and put all of my weight on her thighs so she couldn't kick or get out of the hold. my whole right arm lost all feeling after ten minutes and the hold went on for about a half an hour. she called me an asshole, but then told me that she liked my socks in the same sentence. one of my co-workers stood at the door to the safe room to write down the things she said and the specific times things were done. he is of asian descent. she asked him if he had anything better to do, like working on a computer or fucking up the olympics. we finally were able to lock her in the safe room.

afterwards, i went to say goodbye to one of my favorite clients. he is leaving before i see him again and he was very sad about it. he said he would come back to visit sometime. he was funny. he tried to booby trap me once. he poured the soap from his bubbles on the floor near the entrance to his room. i didn't see it, but when i stepped in it, my foot slid slightly. he thought it was hilarious and told me that he trapped me. a few minutes later, he came running out of his room and slipped on his own trap. he caught himself, but it was a bigger slip than mine was. i win. he was on sharps restriction for a few times he was here. that means that he always has to have his door propped open so staff can see him. he told me that we did it because we were peepers. he said i was a peeping tom and asked me what my name was. i told him it was barry. he called me a peeping barry for a while until he learned my name. we made a cat out of fuse beads. her name was jujubee.

on an unrelated note, i realized that i am a prime candidate for being an alcoholic. i need to watch out for that.

i love my big cup

i think i saw this jug on cool island. i forgot the island's name. either way, this jug is important to you if you like giant flavored soda drinks. look how disproportionate it all is. it is a smart creation because if you take one of these on a road trip, you'll need a few bathroom breaks at gas stations that have cool islands. i saw this cup and thought about how this is something that would be great for a time capsule. just imagine someone a thousand years from now stumbling upon this testament of our culture. this pearl of our society. it isn't even efficient. you have no where to put it ever, and it is bigger than your head. i think it is funny to imagine someone driving while trying to drink out of this monstrosity. even more so if said driver is trying to slam down some mountain dew while driving a stick shift. or a motorcycle!
it just has so many levels of outrageousness. this is quite the bladder buster. i'm sure you could fit an actual bladder in there should you need an extreme transplant on the go.

Friday, August 29, 2008

trial and error

i messed up big time. i have been doing really well lately, but i f'd up yesterday. i was hesitant to take one of the clients to shave her legs last night but i did. we have to watch them shave their legs in the bathtub while they have shorts on. i didn't know this and didn't feel comfortable watching a teenage girl in the bathtub, so i sat outside the door and talked to her the whole time. i found out today that she took one of the parts of the razor and cut herself with it today. as far as i know, she's ok. this is what i get for giving someone a little bit of trust. i used to feel bad when new kids had the realization that none of their staff trust them. i don't anymore.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

an actual conversation

...when the breakfast cart came, wolfgang asked the client which cereal he wanted and then gave him a tray of food. he only took the juice at first, saying that he would just eat later. wolfgang asked [client] when he usually likes to eat, and he replied “i only eat chocolate muffins.” wolfgang said “no, i mean what time do you usually eat?” [client] replied “i already told you chocolate.” wolfgang rephrased the question, saying “what time of the day do you usually like to eat breakfast?” [client] then turned to staff and stated with a straight face “banana.” then turned around to face the tv and watch his favorite cartoon show...

first the worst

hi. this is my worst blog post ever. i have never written one and i think there will be a natural progression, so the first has to be the worst. a few friends of mine have told me that i should write down what happens at my work. here's how it works.

cliff's notes!

- i work at a not-for-profit residential treatment center. it is a temporary home/lock down facility for kids the ages of 5-17. these kids generally have problems. these problems could be: neurological disorders, suicidal/homicidal intent, neglect, abuse, and there's more. the average stay for our inhabitants is two weeks. some way less, some way more. i have worked there for six months now and have many stories, but i think i will actually start contributing next month.

- sometimes at my work, protective holds are necessary. this happens when a client is unsafe to themselves or others. we are very careful and try our hardest to avoid implementing holds. sometimes to the point where staff is in danger, but a hold still isn't done. they are not fun. i just wanted you to know that. i sometimes think that we should be less lenient, we go to great lengths to not implement holds. we do not use devices or chemicals for holds. we are trained to be able to physically hold someone in the least invasive way, for the least amount of time possible to avoid any pain to the clients. as a last resort, we have safe rooms wherein a client is moved to in a hold. in some situations, the client is locked in this safe room as long as it takes them to be safe, but we are legally allowed a certain amount of time for each client and try to limit that as well. a safe room is an empty room with a drain.

- what has wings but can't fly? my building! there are four wings. ne, nw, se, sw. each one of these units has a safe room right outside of the entrance to the specified unit. a fully carpeted hallway connects all four of them. we have two offices. one that connects the north wings and one that connects the souths. they have thick plastic windows and can slide open when the kids want to make phone calls. we also have a small staff lounge, a kitchen, a playground, and a little gym. every door to everything is magnetically locked and automatically locks when closed. a red light on the key panel means locked, green means unlocked.

- we have staff and nurses available 24/7 for the kids. the general rule is one staff to three kids. each unit has six rooms, two bathrooms, and a living area with a tv. each room holds one person, so we can have a maximum of 24 kids.

- we are very restrictive on what things kids can have. we make airport security look like arby's security. nothing sharp is allowed on the unit. do you know how many things could be deadly? i doubt it. the real answer is a lot. here's one i bet you can't guess. a library book. paperback. with the staples removed. here's another one. an eraser. you have to think outside the box and assume that some kids would do anything possible to hurt themselves or others.

- our main goal is to assess and stabilize our clients. we distribute medication and have psychiatrists and therapists to reduce the kids' medications. they try to find a balance that helps and minimizes the amount of chemicals each individual needs in their system.

- due to hipaa, i cannot and will not use real names. i told my co-workers to pick names for themselves. i have also decided that each month i will have a theme, and pick names according to said themes for the kids. maybe i'll take suggestions if you are lucky.

- lastly, all of my co-workers so far are amazing people. this is a very demanding job, and we are a cohesive bunch with hard earned experience in the field. i consider them to be an extended family and group of friends. this job forces a kind of closeness out of you.

so i have probably left a lot out, but that is a short summary that may help you understand how things are done and how our decisions are made. this post is pretty serious. i didn't mean to be. it's hard to be funny when you are trying to convey professionalism. i will try to make my future posts funnier, but some will probably be sad. well, i'll talk to you later!