Sunday, September 28, 2008


yesterday we had grapes as part of the kids' breakfast. marge turned to me while eating them and said that she liked grapes and that they help her calm down. i told her that i love grape juice and that grapes are good for you. she agreed and turned back to watch tv. about ten seconds later, she yelled "grapes!" and held them up. i thought that was funny.

on a side note, everything in my life here is crumbling at a staggering rate.

Friday, September 26, 2008

air force fun

ahahahahahahahahaahahah! our government is so dumb. one of our clients (a nine year old girl) said that she is going to blow up our building when she gets out. she said that if we die, that's our problem. she also said that she was going to kill the president and that she would become the first kid president ever! i immediately laughed and imagined a highlander scenario. if kids are president, we'd have cocoa puffs for dinner! screaming would be the national anthem and bed wetting would be mandatory. twizzlers would also be the national currency and we'd live in bounce houses.

anyways, the funny part about this is that her doctor was legally obligated to call the fbi. we were supposed to have a secret service agent who's last name sounded like root beer come and interrogate a tiny girl. agent root beer didn't come and i was glad because it was pathetic and i didn't want my tax dollars to pay for the gas that would have got him there.

work fight

so tonight really sucked and every staff got assaulted. kids are crazy! four totally different kids entered the office tonight and two were held inside of it. that never happens! i was told that the last time it did, there was a full on riot of kids v. staff.

i got punched in the face and kicked where it counts a few times today. i think i handled it much better than i naturally would. the girl who punched me in the face has chubby knuckles, and i think that padded the blow. she hit me right in the mouth, but it doesn't hurt. i think i am also ok because i am 7/8 badass. that was the first time i had ever been punched in my life. it was kind of exciting!

words of the day: punch, restraint, blood, vomit, urine, niggle

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

wants vs. needs




Thursday, September 18, 2008

ting tang walla walla bing bang

i have a question. as i was driving down one of our cornerstones of sophistication (82nd ave), i saw a dirty grown up store. it said "erotic books, magazines, movies, lingerie, shoes." what is an erotic shoe? a sandal? nikes with weiners on the shoelaces? i'm trying to figure this out. maybe i need to go in and say "one erotic shoes please." actually, i am thinking of a lot of gross ways a shoe could be erotic. porns is big business. i should get some of these patented.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sunday, September 14, 2008

it's the tired puppy olympics

bronze (grip champion)

silver (danger taster)

gold (survival expert: utilizing fake death and camouflage skillset)


maggie is a little girl with ptsd and adhd. she is nine and adorable. maggie is very little and hyper, but also unusual. she told everyone on the unit that she was in the paper once. when asked why, she said that she found a fire. they asked what she did, and she responded: "i played in it."

a few days ago, maggie ran up to me with a paper bag on her head with two holes cut out for eyes and a tiny mouth hole. she asked if i could get her bubbles. she had some bubbles in her personal belongings. she said they tasted like cherries. i told her that cherry is my favorite flavor and opened the bubbles to smell them. they smelled how bubbles should smell. it was just soap and water. i told her that i don't think they are cherry and she grabbed them from me and took a swig. she smacked her lips, handed them back to me, then ran to her room.

yesterday, maggie woke up early and asked for her breakfast. i made it for her. her teenage peers were also awake because she had knocked on their doors and told them to wake up. they were clearly upset. while i was getting her medication ready, she started repeatedly yelling "it's not mine!" at her cereal.

later, one of her parents came to visit. she told me that she wanted to go outside in the fenced area with them and that she wanted her cherry bubbles to come too. her visitor was blowing the bubbles and maggie was trying to eat them in the air, much like a puppy. whenever she would catch one, she would yell "tasty!" she tried to climb the fence to get one of the bubbles, but i got a hold of the back of her shirt before she got far. a few minutes later, she tried again while telling an airplane overhead to "get back here!"

i think the cute ones get away with more. i also think that kernel sanders and i need to see space chimps.

Friday, September 12, 2008


a fun client we have had a few times has returned again. his name is jimbo and the last time he was at my work, he was a fun guy. he would always be rapping or dancing or some form of entertainment. he once started to tell me a story about how he learned to dance, but it turned into an hour long journey about his origins and acceptance into the world of krumping. he is a positive guy, even though the environments he is usually in prohibit that.

he came in last night in a very negative mood. he was high on hospital medication and didn't want to be there. he was refusing to leave the lobby and was threatening me and kernel sanders. we both know that he wouldn't hurt us and we weren't scared, but we were surprised. our bubbly nurse came in when he was very angry and said "hey jimbo!" to which he replied "hey!" but quickly realized that he had to be tough and said "naw, i'm not staying here, fuck that."

we got him on the unit and he has been doing alright. he got mad and went to his room. he threw his mattress and everything in there was thrown around. he came out with a pen in his hand like a knife. there were four other kids on the unit with me and normally that situation would be bad, but i know that jimbo wouldn't hurt any of us. i positioned myself between him and everyone else just in case. i got lost in thought for a moment thinking about the best way to stop him should he attack anyone. selma told me that i looked like i didn't know what to do. i told her i was clueless and she got a worried look in her face. i then told her of course i knew what i was doing.

in reality though, the situation could have gone wrong very fast. people look to you for answers in those times. jimbo could have stabbed me and the entire unit could have joined in, but i was never worried about that. he sat down and chilled till the next episode, but if it was any other kid, i would have been much more cautious and had everyone go to their rooms until everything was handled. i really like jimbo.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


tiny mr. mcclure told me this while watching alvin and the chipmunks.

"i'm like simon because he's smart...but...i'm also like theodore because i'm kind of fat."

Monday, September 8, 2008

oh good, dancing

i forgot to tell you. watch dexter. it is one of the most amazing/stressful shows i've watched in a long while. i like that it deals with the ethics of killing, or deathics as i like to call them. i identify with dexter a lot.

i love grape juice!

i say that a lot. grape juice is good for me. i have been cheating on grape juice with this delicious hybrid. i don't know if it is as good for me as grape juice, but i love it very much. i had to get it at wal mart which i hate, but i would eat a live cat to get this juice. that would probably be as far as i could go. but that's pretty far i think.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

baby tech

troy mcclure is a neat little gentlemen. he does what i wish i would do in his situation. if you're locked up all day, you can ultimately choose one of two adventures. you could whine and make it hard on everyone, or you could make the best of it and wait it out. troy is the youngest one on his unit, but acts the most mature. everyone likes him, especially staff. he aspires to be a professional inventor. yesterday he made a flagpole with a made up country's flag on it. this was probably while majula, the oldest, was screaming at staff to get her lotion or something else unimportant.

during one of his room times, he made a belt like invention that you put on your head. it was made completely out of paper and could be tightened or loosened. i tried it on. it had a cup that had the bottom cut out to go over your left eye. it kind of hurts your ears, but futuristic technology doesn't care about your comfort in it's initial stages. he said it was x-ray vision and he could see through a tree outside. when he came out of his room, he looked towards a wall and jumped back. i asked him what he was doing and he said he looked through the wall and a car outside scared him. inspirational.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


i got to hang out with one of the new kids today and she is awesome. her name is selma. she isn't mexican, but she speaks spanish fluently. two of the other kids on the unit also speak spanish. it is exciting to me because when i am around people who speak spanish, i start picking things up again and get happy to learn new words. i learned that chella means drunk (like borracho) and that pinto means paint. i learned it in the context of fingernail polish.

selma is exactly what i think of when i think of a mexican woman. she is proud and strong. she has more of a right to complain about her life than anyone, but never does. she is patient and self-aware. at her home she takes care of her entire family and on the unit, she picks up after her peers and throws away their dinners when they are done. all out of habit. she has a sad history and it enfuriates me to know that people that cool can be treated so terribly. i told her that my favorite spanish word is "little bug". you should look it up, it's silly.

i had to deal with racism today and didn't really know how to. manjula was saying racist things outside and i just told her that she had to come back to the unit if she said one more racist thing. she did and i made her come back to the unit. she knew she was in big trouble and came willingly.

oh yeah, martha quimby threw a foosball table at some kids. i just don't think she gave an f. this sentence is here to remind me to write about troy mcclure tommorow.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

if you're driving a mobile home, is it road rage or a domestic disturbance?

nothing particularly exciting happened today. i made two new friends that seem nice. their names are frank grimes and martha quimby. frank was quiet and shy when i first met him, but i gave him pokemon crystal and he likes me now i think. martha told me a long-winded story that wasn't very interesting, but i really liked that she was able to tell me. it was about her getting blamed for stealing someone's game boy at her foster home. ultimately, she has a tough life and sometimes yells at people to get her the tv remote because of it.

manjula was trying to push my buttons as usual. she always asks me why i am failing as a musician. she says it to get me mad, but i don't mind. i'm not failing. also, taking life-failure-speeches from someone who loves drugs is funny to me. i told her "how do you know i'm failing?" and she said i must be since i'm still working here. i think i fake yelled at my supervisor kernel sanders and manjula thought i was upset about what she said. she apologized. tonight was calm. i hope the next few days will be too.

Monday, September 1, 2008

i hate it

worst ice cream ever. when sentences like "oh no, what's this now" and "each bite is more disappointing than the last" are exclaimed, you know your treat is garbage. at my work, a kid called me a ripoff artist after i wouldn't give him what he wanted. i can identify how he felt. we were had by ripoff artists.

who is handsome pete

this month is simpsons.