Saturday, November 29, 2008

spooky style

i'm not lazy! i haven't really had access to a computer so i have not been able to write the ridiculous stuff that has been going on. um. to hold you over if you actually care is this guy.

Monday, November 17, 2008

where i been

filthy mirrors.

Friday, November 14, 2008

for now..we toast

we witnessed a pathetic crime last night. kernal, wolfgang, and a few coworkers and i went to f'in shari's last night. if you've never been to one, good for you. anyways, we were all sharing stories and eating what i guess was food. there was a group of really cool teens across from us and they were being really funny by yelling and making a bunch of noise because they felt like it. some would go outside to smoke cigarettes, so you better not have a problem with it. they smoked cigarettes because they could, and you can't do anything about it, so don't even try to stop them from smoking cigarettes.

anyway, while we were all talking, i just heard a lot of movement and saw someone's long hair dissapearing around the corner to the exit. we all looked at eachother and realized that they didn't pay their bill. wolfgang went to tell the manager and kernal and i went searching for acne's 11.

one of the kids left their jacket on a chair. we walked around and didn't see anyone running, so we circled the building. the manager was with us and we noticed a nerd in the bushes behind the building. i knew that it was one of the kids and probably the one who left his jacket. he was going to use high tech thief tools to infiltrate shari's and retrieve his jacket, and no one would have ever known. the waitress came out to identify him and tried to make him feel bad by reminding him that it was an 84 dollar bill and that the economy sucks. he said he didn't know what happened and didn't know where his friends were. he really looked retarded and kernal, in her professional and just kind human manner felt bad for him thinking that his friends left him behind. i, like a jerk, thought he was lying and just coming back for his jacket.

he was outside and surrounded by everyone when kernal decided to call the cops. he threatened that he was going to "settle" the situation and i wanted to see what that meant. i grabbed his jacket from inside and brought it to the manager. the kid grabbed it from me and i wanted to punch him but didn't really have a reason so i didn't. i thought i made a huge mistake by bringing his jacket back, but in retrospect it was probably a good idea.

once he got his jacket, he just started walking away instead of waiting for the cops. we all followed him and one of his friends came out of the winco next door and looked really cool because he was smoking a cigarette. they walked together for a few seconds and i told wolfgang who was next to me that she should be ready to run. the two just started running and wolfgang and i ran after them. the manager told me not to chase them, but i wasn't really chasing them for him. kernal stayed behind because the manager had her phone and she said it would be better if she wasn't around to witness what might have gone on.

so i chased the two around a corner and was really hoping that all of the teenagers were waiting for me around the bend. it could have been my moment! they were waiting around the corner, but in a truck. two girls screamed and the guys hopped in the back of the truck. i memorized their license plate and watched them leave. i went back and told the manager the license plate and car model while he told the police. in return, we all got a card for a free slice of pie. that pie will remind me of failure.

it's my professional opinion that i need to keep my angry bees (rage) in check. i have always done really well in that department, but these last few weeks have been trying. every time my angry bees get riled up in my tummy and adrenaline starts flowing, my bees say "go for it!" my brain turns into a stoned loser that responds with "wait, what man?" and then giggles. come on brain, we can do it! put down those funyuns and let's outsmart those bees next time.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

rumble in the bronx

today i went to the gas station and made a friend. i don't think i am his friend, but he is mine. he was this old japanese guy who wore a beanie and gloves. my car was behind him in line to get fuel. it is one of those gas stations where you have to wait in the store thing to pay when your pump is done. the tiny japanese guy looked at me and i looked back at him and gave him a smile. he gave me what i would describe as a turtle smile back. he just seemed curious and delightful. he looked behind himself and saw a little bag of doritos. the collisions kind that has two flavors. my friend was trying to figure out how he would open the bag. it was such a brave new world for him.

his pump finished and he went to pay for his gas. he gave the lady a hundred dollar bill and held on to his bag of chips. the lady grabbed for his chips so she could scan them. the release of his grip was very reluctant. he really liked his collisions.

i paid shortly after and when i got to my car, my friend was leaving. he was in front of me and tried to take a turn a little too wide. the guy behind me tried to get in front of me to take my friend's spot when he left. this dweeb got angry and started honking at my friend. i guess he couldn't wait the twelve seconds it was going to take me to move my car. my friend left and the usurper took his spot and got out of his car. i gave him a bad look. i basically murdered him with my face.

my new friend kind of showed me an adorable side of being old. maybe being old is not all that bad. just mostly. i think it's funny that this little guy will never know who i am and i think he is my friend. am i insane?
__yes __no __maybe

Saturday, November 8, 2008

ya'll are brutalizin me

i almost forgot!* i watched a ridiculous segment of cops a few weeks ago. it really stuck with me. a man was being questioned by a cop and was asked what was in his hand. he slowly opened his hand to reveal crack. he was put in handcuffs and sat down. he asked the cop why he was picking on him and said that this was entrapment. the cop responded thusly: "well i saw a bunch of people huddled around each other and i turned on my lights. you ran the opposite direction, and when i caught up to you, you handed me drugs." oh explanations.

*write an essay and discuss how one cannot almost forget. due on my desk wednesday. times new roman, none of that courier new witchcraft. and sorry girls and boys, no "extra credit" opportunities.

ice cream, boners, and angel dust

oh wow. i was drunk last night. before i got blasted, i went to a movie with nicole. during a really quiet part, some girl was talking to the dude she came to the theater with. not like whispering, talking normally like an idiot would do. it was disruptive. anyway, i figured she would eventually realize that she wasn't clever in her tone of voice, and she stopped talking. about a half an hour later, she gets up and starts asking everybody questions during the movie. she would walk up to you and just start talking. she had a spiky, kurt russell style haircut and a rat tail/mullet that went really far down her back. her hair was also bright orange.

this cheeky b didn't talk to me or nicole which was a relief because she seriously talked to everyone else in the theater. also it was a relief because i was weighing the moral decisions of having to fight a woman because she was getting confrontational with some people. from what i could hear, she was asking people if they were ok with her standing with the exit door open so she could smoke and watch the movie at the same time. it took me a little while after this event to process what must have justified her being in this position and asking this question.

one of the dudes she asked told her to get away and not talk to him. she went back to sit down just to stare and point at him. he got up and i assumed he went to get security. she lit a match and a cigarette. she then threw the lit match on the carpet. she turned around and said "if anybody has a problem with this, stand up now". she had really good timing because right after she said that, five dudes, the manager, and a security guard surrounded her and told her that she had to leave. she was too scared to throw a fit and was escorted out.

nicole and i got our money back and a free movie. the manager was a cool dude. so that was a weird like 45 minutes.

we went back to her place to get crunk and listen to shitty music from the internet. on the way back, we discussed the most ridiculous drug combinations. we agreed on ice cream, angel dust, and viagra. i imagined finding someone on those things as a police officer and decided what i would do. seeing someone with a b and j's ice cream cone, fluttering their fingers in front of their eyes with a full on boner at a gas station would result in me putting my arms akimbo, and shaking my head with a tiny smile. i would say that guy is living life the best way he knows how. i would then listen to "i will always love you" by whitney houston and later yell at minorities.

i drank until my nose and legs felt numb, got a little sad, got poked in the eye with two fingers at once, and had a "where the s am i?" moment. it was good night.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

grape job!

ohhhhhhhhhhhh s! we just switched the way we get food at my work. now we have copius amounts of neat consumables. it is almost like someone told the people that deliver that i work there because the grape juice now is amazing. we used to have cartons that were great enough, but now we have tiny ones that you can finish in a sip! you could even freeze them! i think they should replace bricks. you could build houses made of anti-oxidants. damn girl, these new juices are fresh! i drank seven today! (don't tell anyone). sleep tight diary!

Monday, November 3, 2008


that's the new word for bananas. pass it on. i also like banubnubs and it was a hard decision to make. maybe you should try them out in different situations and see what works the best. maybe i could make it into another word that isn't even close to a banana. i think banubnub would be good as a word that someone would yell. like help, eye wash station, or rabid koalas. you make the call.

i have decided to maybe stop using categories of things to describe the kids. there just aren't enough unique kids that usually would deserve them. but i'll figure something out.

here's a story. pez took two clients, a little boy and little-ish girl, to play ping pong. i don't know the entire story, but i imagine it went something like this. pez was talking to the boy during a brief intermission and realized that the ping pong ball was gone. she asked the girl if she knew where it was. the girl reached into her pants and, presumably, pulled the ball out of her vagina and threw it to pez. she told her "you might not want to touch that" right after pez caught it. ew!

a funny game i have been playing lately is imagining everyone i meet as being babies. you meet a dude with a beard and imagine him being much tinier, but still with a beard and like glasses that they might be wearing. so not like a realistic version of a baby. just a littler version of themselves, just less coordinated and not mentally capable for anything. you can play the other way around and imagine young kids being older. it's more sad though.

i leave you with these words of wisdom. "hush girl, shut your lips. do the helen keller, and talk with your hips."

Sunday, November 2, 2008

shut up, it's halloween

well not anymore. but i've been occupied. i went to a supposedly haunted house on halloween night. not one with high school drop outs dressed as zombies. a real one.

keeping it old school (early 1900's). while many were listening to pomp and circumstance no 4 in g, symphony no. 1 in a flat, others were committing dastardly crimes like being pregnant and not married. those heretics came to the future haunted house i went to. they would work together and live there in chubby exile.

many babies were born there but a lot also died. there is a furnace thing outside where the bodies were cremated. there were probably some issues resulting in mommies dying. also i think a nurse killed herself there. brutal.

i went there with kernal, pez, wolfgang, and wolfgang's boyfriend. we walked around and kept an eye out for specters. i really wanted to fight a ghost. but not a baby ghost. we went to an attic like area where the babies slept in their cribs side by side. the old wallpaper was still on the walls. i found a book about me there!

during our ghost safari, we stumbled upon a tiny door in the attic. it was really tiny and nailed shut. kernal "persuaded" it open and we decided to go in. my phat ass barely fit through.

the first thing we saw inside was a baby and mom's clothes! old ones.

baby shirt.

baby knickers.

mom dress.

a name maybe?

mom shoe.

there was also a really old bra in there too. kernal, pez, and i searched around in there and found really old cigarette cartons, matches, an old bowl and the scariest of all.

we don't really know what it is. the cloth was tied very tightly around the stick. my guess is that it was a bite stick for someone in pain.

isn't it kind of suspect? eeeeeeeeeeeeee! a mystery.